Psychological Effects of Parental Abandonment

Parental abandonment can come in many forms, in the context of chapter two, we're looking at emotional and physical abandonment by a parent. 

What is parental abandonment?

For many children, abandonment is physical and may include physical or sexual abuse, lack of supervision, inappropriate or lack of nutrition or inadequate clothing or living conditions.

Emotional abandonment includes emotional abuse or neglect, such as failing to validate or acknowledge a child's emotional needs which in turn, hinders their healthy development.

What are the symptoms of parental abandonment?

Not only does a child subjected to parental abandonment feel inadequate, damaged, unloved and rejected. It can have serious, long term affects well into adulthood. These are just some signs of having abandonment issues:

- Pushing people away to avoid rejection

- People pleasing

- Codependency

- Hypersensitive to critisism

- Insecurities in intimate relationships and friendships

- Require more reassurance from loved ones

- Feel the need to control others

- Jump from one relationship to another

- Often sabotage their relationships

- Panic or anxiety

- Repressed anger, easily triggered

- Fear of being alone or feeling isolated 

- Frequent physical illnesses

- Low self-esteem

- More prone to addiction, eating disorders and/or self harm

Abandonment and attachment styles

Childhood trauma such as experiencing abandonment from a loved one or parent builds the foundation for how we perceive ourselves and other's well into adulthood. There are 4 distinct adult attachment styles that form from our childhood experiences that can influence our behaviour and thought processes.

1. Secure attachment:

This attachment system is the foundation of healthy adult relationships. These people provide for the emotional needs of others without manipulation or abuse. They emotionally depend on each other while still having individual differences and interests and feel comfortable in their own decision making skills. This balance helps support a meaningful relationship. These people can be characterised as secure, emotionally stable and confident in themselves.

2. Ambivalent / Anxious attachment:

People with attachment security anxiety, also known as ambivalent attachment or anxious-avoidant, are overly needy and persistent. They lack the self-esteem to fully trust themselves or their partner, leading to separation anxiety and constant worrying over a loved one leaving them, which can lead to self sabotage or relationship sabotage when they get in their own head. They can be characterised as being emotionally reactive, codependent and over thinkers.

3. Dismissive-avoidant attachment:

People with this dismissive attachment style steer away from emotional vulnerability and see closeness as a form of weakness and certain pain if they allow someone in. They often avoid conflict and have a fear of commitment. Those with this attachment related issue will not rely on others but rather expect others to rely on them, this can create an unfair imbalance in a relationship. These people are characterised as being withdrawn, distant and private.

4. Disorganized / Fearful attachment:

Also known as disoriented or fearful-avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment might describe people with difficulty regulating their emotions and feel unworthy of affection or love. They feel uncomfortable with closeness and intimacy and may lack empathy. People who experience intense trauma, often sexual or physical abuse during childhood, might have a disorganized attachment style. These people can be characterised as being antisocial, display narcissistic traits, or borderline personality disorders.

Tips to overcoming abandonment

• The first is the most obvious, seek out a professional.

But if you're not there yet, find someone you're close to and trust enough, and REALLY let them in. You don't have to tell them your deepest darkest secrets, but start small by sharing things about yourself that others don't know. If they too feel comfortable, they'll share back, which will strengthen your friendship and help you little by little, learn to trust again. The deeper you share, in time, the stronger the friendship will become, you'll start to feel seen, heard and worthy of their time, less of a burden and piece by piece, build up your self worth and self esteem. Move at a pace that you're comfortable with and remember baby steps, it's only the beginning, but you can do this! 

• Find a punching bag or journal! 

Not everyone is at the stage of wanting to openly share their story or feelings with someone else, especially if they find it hard to trust others. So start small, and find an outlet to vent your frustrations, pain, anger and feelings towards. Physical exercise is a great tool for this, especially if you can work towards a team oriented sport, relying on others and team work can help break down those trust barriers you hold so dear. Also journalling, share your feelings, deepest thoughts and fears with your journal. Knowing no one else can read it can really help get it all out on paper in front of you to reflect on and slowly start to process and grow from. 

• Listen to yourself

If you're one to act quickly on impulses or listen to that voice in your head telling you what the other person must be thinking of you and shoot yourself down... It's time to listen to that voice, not to act on it, but to call it out. Own how you're feeling, acknowledge what your learnt behaviours are telling you BUT now you are going to rationalise with yourself. Did that person really just brush you off in line, or did they simply get distracted by their phone? Is your partner actually blowing you off tonight, or do they really have plans that they've tried to explain to you but you shut off listening to them while your mind went crazy in defence mode? Take a breath and step out of your trauma, you may start to see the people around in a different light. 

• Mindfulness and Meditation

No you don't need to sit in the lotus position humming to incorporate this into your life. It's simply a tool to help you relax and process your emotions. It takes practice and dedication, and I know the last place you want to be is in a room, by yourself with your own thoughts, but seriously give it a go. There are thousands of guided meditations online to get you started, or just put on some binerial beats and enjoy the peace and quiet inside of your mind for a little while. It's a good time to reflect on events or dramas going on in your life, playing out arguments and how you could have handled yourself better.